Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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