i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just had sex on a roof
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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