no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
