You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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