Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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