he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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