I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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