My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
