guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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