If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
