conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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