After last night, I could never be a politician.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
