We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
