I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
