Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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