Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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