she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
COCAINE IS GR8
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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