Only a mothe r could love this liver
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
