If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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