I'm really into asian looking animals
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
