just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
