god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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