My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
