its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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