don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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