I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Randomize
