Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
