im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
