Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
