She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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