listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
