i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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