all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
