The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
