my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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