the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
