you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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