So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
