see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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