is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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