It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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