So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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