My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
