he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
