I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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