If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
