i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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