i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The struggles of a small town man whore
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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