I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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