Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
