Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
