OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
